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This article is
provided by kind permission of Sheri Rosenthal. This article MAY
NOT BE REPRODUCED without the permission of the author.
Forgiveness
By Sheri Rosenthal
We hear so much about forgiveness, in our churches, on Oprah, in
new age magazines, but do we truly understand what the big deal
about forgiveness is? We read that if we forgive others and ourselves
we are doing our spiritual work and becoming better people, but
what does that mean to us? You can forgive that guy you dated a
while back until you run into him someplace and then you want to
wreak revenge on him. You can forgive your parents for your horrible
childhood but as soon as you get on the phone with your Dad you
are arguing just like you always have. So, what good is forgiveness
anyway?
The key to forgiveness is to forgive from the heart, not from the
mind. Knowing in your rational mind that your parents did the best
they could to raise you is not enough to constitute forgiveness.
That is why every time you are with your Dad you still argue. If
you really forgave him you would not be reacting that way. You would
have compassion for his dream and understand that he is just expressing
his point of view. If you truly let go of the pain of your childhood,
your self-importance, and your need to be right about your point
of view, you would not be taking him personally any more. If you
were not taking him personally you would not be angry and it would
not be necessary to punish him by behaving like an angry child.
It behooves us to look at ourselves with honesty and objectivity.
You can say you have forgiven someone in your life, but the proof
is in the pudding.
If you have an emotional reaction in the presence of someone, your
heart is telling you that you have not resolved your issues with
them. In other words, you have not truly forgiven that person. All
of this begs the question, how do we forgive? First, cease lying
to yourself and stop telling yourself stories about why you behave
the way you do. Stop blaming your behavior on other people and take
responsibility for your emotional reactions. If you could forgive
all the people in your life who have hurt or wounded you it would
be possible to be in control of your behavior instead of being in
reaction to other people all of the time. Imagine living life without
experiencing a constant emotional rollercoaster of pain, anger,
and jealousy! That would be bliss!
The important thing is to have awareness of what has transpired
and be able to tell yourself the truth about it. Have you truly
forgiven or has your rational mind been telling you a story that
you have? Once you have determined what is truth and what is a justification,
you are ready for the next step. Second, look at your life with
clarity. Try to see what happened in your past, not only from your
point of view, but also from the other person's point of view. We
need to be able to walk in the other persons shoes to understand
why things happened the way they did. That doesn't mean you have
to agree with what they did or how they did it. Not at all. Your
values and beliefs may be very different from theirs. All this means
is that you can see the whole truth of what happened and the whole
truth encompasses all points of view, not just your own.
Take some time to listen to how you tell the story of your life.
Perhaps it would be helpful to journal the story of a particular
time in your life that you have been challenged by. Listen to what
you have written. Does it sound like you were victimized by your
circumstances? Be objective, if someone heard your story would they
say someone did you wrong, that you are resentful, vengeful and
angry? If so, this is your first clue that you are seeing things
from only one point of view. Why? Well, if you felt like someone
hurt you then obviously you took the other persons actions personally.
You assumed you knew why they did what they did according to your
point of view and your beliefs about their words or actions. Chances
are that your interpretation of what the other person did or said
was not what the other person had in mind when they interacted with
you. The key is to imagine what happened from their point of view.
If I say that my husband cheated on me and ruined our marriage
and hurt me, I am only telling part of the story. What about my
responsibility for my half of the relationship? It is doubtful that
I was a vision of loveliness throughout the entire marriage. I had
to contribute half of that relationship because all relationships
take the contribution of both parties. When I can see both sides
clearly, and have compassion for my husband, I can forgive him.
But if I am attached to my victim point of view and blame everything
on him, forgiveness will never come. Chances are I will bring my
anger and resentment into my next relationship as well. This scenario
applies to all human interactions in our lives. Rape, physical,
emotional and mental abuse, cheating, violence, etc… are all
included. Yes, even what we judge to be the most heinous of human
activities can be forgiven.
Seeing things with the eyes of truth means that you stop judging
the activities of others and, instead, take responsibility for your
interpretation of those activities. It means being responsible for
how you write the story of what happened. I could say yes, my husband
cheated on me in our marriage but, gosh, I was not aware of how
my actions impacted our situation. We both had a lot to learn from
that relationship. I am glad I can see what happened clearly and
have gratitude for the opportunity to grow and become a better person.
even if it hurt pretty badly for a while. The key word here is gratitude!
We judge everything that happens in life as good or bad, right or
wrong. The truth is life just happens, and life is exactly as it
is. As long as we are always judging others and life situations
according to our point of view, we will never be able to have gratitude
for the challenges and experiences life sends our way. No matter
how enlightened a person you may be, things will always happen in
life. People you love will die, relationships will come and go,
the stock market will crash and rise, your car may be totaled but,
if you have gratitude for life's challenges, you will always be
writing a beautiful happy story of your life! Even better, you will
never feel victimized by your circumstances.
You may think I am living my life in a fairy tale, but I assure
you I'm not. We have been domesticated to process our life in a
certain way. If you don't believe me just watch one soap opera on
TV. Everyone is stressed out, creating drama, having emotional outbursts,
screaming and arguing, defending their points of view, and generally
creating a life of misery! Soap operas are popular because they
mimic our lives. I am suggesting a different way of perceiving life,
one without judgment and with the ability to see the points of view
of other people and to see beliefs other than your own. One where
you take responsibility for your mind and what it thinks and, as
a result of this internal chatter, how you choose to react to any
situation. When you can truly see the other person's point of view
then you can forgive from the heart. True compassion of the human
experience is the place from which forgiveness begins. Compassion
is an act of love that is free of attachment. Of course, the kind
of love I am talking about is unconditional love.
Once you have seen the truth you must make the decision to let
go of the pain, anger, and resentment you have been holding on to.
This requires you to take action. If you are attached to your pain,
resentment, and self-righteousness, and addicted to your emotional
reactions, this will be a difficult step for you. Taking action
requires letting go of the very thing you have been holding on to
for so many years. There is comfort in what we find familiar, even
if we are experiencing pain and suffering. The pain and suffering
itself becomes the familiarity we seek. It takes absolute faith
in yourself plus courage, will, and discipline to let go. But once
you let go, it will as if the weight of the world has been taken
off your shoulders. In this process it is important to forgive not
just the others in our lives, but also ourselves. For most people,
giving ourselves the gift of forgiveness is very challenging.
- Forgive yourself for using people in your life to hurt yourself.
- Forgive yourself for not having clarity, for blaming others,
and for not taking responsibility for your actions.
- Forgive yourself for wounding others and for the anger, jealousy,
and hate you directed toward others.
- Forgive yourself for participating in situations that went against
your integrity.
- Forgive yourself for not respecting yourself.
- Forgive yourself for not trusting yourself and having faith
in your abilities.
- Forgive yourself for trying to control the people you love.
- And, of course, forgive yourself for not loving yourself 100%
just the way you are!
More than once my teacher, don Miguel Ruiz, said "In order
to merge with spirit your heart must be as light as a feather."
Well, when you have finally detached from the anger, resentment,
and pain of your story your heart will feel as light as a feather.
Not only that, but for the first time in your adult life you will
be happy, truly happy, and your life will reflect the change back
to you in every way. After all what we think in our minds is what
manifests in our lives! The bottom line is that we forgive because
we love ourselves so much that we want to give ourselves the gift
of personal freedom. We forgive not because the other person necessarily
deserves it, but because we do not want to carry that load around
until we die. Anger, hate, and jealousy will make you old, resentful
and ugly, inside and out. The question is, how much do you love
and respect yourself? Is it enough to give yourself the gift of
forgiveness? I hope so.
Sheri Rosenthal DPM is a master Toltec teacher and author of The
Complete Idiot’s Guide to Toltec Wisdom. Having trained
with don Miguel Ruiz, author of The
Four Agreements, she currently takes students on spiritual journeys,
works with personal apprentices and enjoys being extremely happy.
You can reach her at info@sherirosenthal.com
or http://www.sherirosenthal.com.
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